Over the past few months, I have run head first into a writer’s roadblock. My clarity and focus has not been on point. Maybe summer is to blame. Maybe I’m easily distracted. And maybe, at times, I feel I need to contain what I really, truly, deep in my heart want to say. Regardless of my excuses, I have several posts started but not a single one completed. It’s been frustrating.
A dear friend asked me recently what were my greatest take aways and wisdom from my time as a single mom. I was unable to answer her right away. It wasn’t that there were no words but that there were too many. A hundred or so different thoughts immediately flooded my mind and I could not form them into coherent sentences. All I could get out was that I would let her know.
So I sat up late that night organizing my thoughts on to paper. What did I learn most from my time as a single mom? My “time” as a single mom. My mind immediately jumps to thoughts of serving time in prison. The analogy imagined is actually very fitting.
Countless times, I would wonder, is this our life? Day in, day out, same thing. Is this how things will always be? I couldn’t escape. Never a break from our reality, constantly stressed, always sad and always worried. Depressed. Every day, on the verge of breaking. I was trapped inside this world I wasn’t prepared for nor equipped to handle.
My biggest dream was always to be a mom. And then when I finally “was” a mom, I couldn’t really “be” a mom. At least, not the mom I wished and dreamt to be. I worked all the time just to make ends meet. And it still, was never enough. I did my best to ensure my kids didn’t see how stressed or how scared I was but at random times the tears would just flow. When we would come home to no electricity, the tears would flow. When there wasn’t enough food, when there wasn’t enough gas to get to work, when our home was broken in to…the tears would flow. I hated the prison single motherhood created for me and my children. This wasn’t the dream I envisioned for us.
It was an epiphany, a God-given realization that this chaotic mess of our life was created by my own personal choices and that alone is what broke us free from our prison. That’s not an easy pill to swallow. But, it is life changing. And that was my goal…to change this life. So…I put my big girl panties on and I walked through the consequences of my choices and actions like a mature woman of God.
I love Merriam-Webster’s definition of the word Epiphany. It is so very, very fitting.
1 : a moment in which you suddenly see or understand something in a new or very clear way.
2 : an appearance or manifestation especially of a divine being
3 : a (1) : a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something (2) : an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking (3) : an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure
3 : b : a revealing scene or moment
3 : b : a revealing scene or moment
Doesn’t that sound beautiful? A key moment for massive life change that can only flow through Christ? How, you might ask? Simply by ASKING Him for it.
Soon after this epiphany and release of everything to God, I lost everything. And it was ok. I was ok. We were ok. I say this because for the first time, I could feel Christ breathing life into me. I was accepting my consequences for my choices and actions from years, months and days ago. From this moment on, it would be God’s way.
Time served. From the walls I built as my prison to the rubble I created trying to break free on my own, birthed these little gems as I opened my eyes to Christ:
- I stopped blaming others. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and my situation. I shut down the pity party and sent everyone home. I stopped thinking the world and others owed me something because of the way the world and others had hurt me. This allowed me to see that everyday I have a choice, regardless of how I was treated or hurt in my past.
- I asked Christ to open my eyes to see every area where I made poor decisions, displayed selfish behavior and areas where I was consumed with pride. (ohhh….there was so much pride!!)
- I asked Christ to help me learn from my mistakes and guidance to make better choices.
- I accepted and acknowledged the consequences from my own choices and actions.
- I asked Christ to help me forgive, to see the benefits to forgiving and the benefits to no longer blame others for my disastrous life.
- The bible says to forgive others the way Christ forgives me. I realized that I struggled with forgiving others because I didn’t have rock solid faith that Christ had or could really forgive me. The acceptance that I have indeed been forgiven provided me with the faith I needed to forgive others the way He so lovingly forgives me. (serious life changer!)
- I asked Christ to heal my emotional state and provide me with clarity and wisdom. When my emotional well-being was always on the verge of breaking, it blocked clarity and wisdom and provided an excellent pathway for the enemy to infiltrate my mind. As a result of believing the enemy, bad choices and impulse choices were made. For example, what can I do to save us this very minute and not what steps can I take now to ensure a better future for me and my kids.
- Listening and learning from Christ on the RIGHT QUESTIONS to ask. For example, I feel my problem is I don’t have enough money to pay my bills this month but the real problem is that I never have enough money to pay my bills. So the appropriate and correct question to be asked is who can I ask for help on budgeting, saving and planning instead of asking for help to pay my bills or borrow money from. The same thing applies if I never enough money to buy food, or my job doesn’t pay enough, or I always end up in an unhealthy relationship. I realized I had to ask the right questions for the appropriate help to change my future not just solve my immediate problem.
- I switched from a consumer mentality to a producer mentality. I wanted to make a difference in this lifetime and not watch my life pass me by because of my bitterness, pride and self-pity.
- Meditating on and believing God’s truths about me. This increased my self-esteem and self-worth in ways I can not even begin to describe. I was the daughter of the almighty King and worth being treated as such.
“Open my eyes, that I may behold the wonderful
things from Your law.” ~ Psalm 119:18
Then Elisha prayed and said, “O LORD, please open
his eyes that he may see.” ~ 2 Kings 6:17