The Evolution of a Mother and Wife

There once was this girl….

She grew up with the lowest of low self esteem.  She feared people, especially those in any type of power.  With very few friends, she was shy, an extreme introvert who barely spoke but a few words.  She was bullied which increased the pain she felt inside.  Hurting herself allowed her to feel and yet gave her a twisted, sick feeling of control.  It was the only control she had in her life yet it left her disfigured and ashamed.  It was a vicious and addictive cycle.

(Ugly clothes)

(Ugly short hair)

(What’s wrong with you?)

(Weird)

(No friends)

(Fat)

(Ugly+fat=unloved & alone)

She felt alone.  Food became her trusted friend when comfort was needed most.  What was satiable quickly became insatiable and this friendship with food became her worst, long term enemy.  She wanted acceptance but mostly wished to accept herself.

(She’s getting fatter)

(Abused and broken)

(This girl is a loser)

This girl desperately craved love, attention and praise.  As she grew older, the love, attention and praise she received was not the kind that enabled her to grow and flourish.  It punished and tormented her soul.   It devoured all healthy thoughts and left her with thoughts of self hatred.  She was undeserving.  She was filled  with horrible, excruciating thoughts.  Would death be better?

(Starvation=skinny=love & acceptance?)

(Pretty=love)

(Drunk feels better)

(Bully=no longer the victim)

(Risky=alive)

(Suicide-a possibility)

(Waste of space)

No lofty and worthy goals just dreams she felt didn’t belong to her.  She was incapable of making good decisions.  And yet throughout her life she continued to dream.

(Wanderer)

(Creative)

(Can’t commit)

(Unloved)

(Loser)

(Worthless)

(No purpose in life)

(Why are you even here?)

Fast forward several years…this girl was still alive but just trying to survive.  She wanted to live to her fullest potential and desired to be loved but felt that was something gifted to only a deserving few.

(Not deserving)

(Obsessive people pleaser)

To the outside world it appeared she was a good person and slightly successful in certain ways.  It was a facade.  Don’t make her mad.  The anger in this girl was something like an erupting volcano.  Her lashing words badly burned everyone it touched.  But she still desperately wanted to be a part of that far away world.  The internal rule in her survival code was to not allow anyone to get too close.  They will all bring disappointment. They won’t stick around anyway especially if they knew who she really was.  She holds on to the control of hurting herself, the pleasure and comfort of food and anything that would numb her .

(Don’t mess with her)

(She doesn’t make friends)

(Antisocial)

This cruel world suddenly introduced her into the world of single motherhood. Not once but twice.  The addictive substances immediately vanished from her life, surprisingly with no ill effects…how was that possible?   Making $11.00 per hour, her survival is at risk.  But this tiny team of three provided something this girl had never felt before…unconditional love, acceptance and now…never alone.  She never knew such a deep, intense love.  On the flip side, she encountered an entirely new set of challenges she wasn’t prepared for nor never considered.

Both in diapers and now homeless.  Christ is at work and even with her continual denial, He is pressing on firmly in her life and in her heart.  She is so very ashamed of her past while God is providing her with something she never had before…purpose.  And something she NEVER expected…forgiveness.

Yet she was UNWORTHY, STUBBORN, full of PRIDE and was used to doing it all on her own.  This girl was beyond exhausted both mentally and physically.  The stress was too much to bear at times.  But God pressed on and she soon realized she was no match against Him. The message was made more and more clear…her PURPOSE was to break the generational curses that have haunted her family for hundreds of years.  Her children will grow up differently and will pass these traits on to their children and so on.  But she still felt she could accomplish this on her own, without His help and guidance.  It was her way or no way.

She chalked what was about to happen as just another lesson learned the hard way and payback (karma) for the SINS of her PAST.  A small apartment with barely enough food, an air mattress for a bed, a crime ridden neighborhood and an unpleasant experience with the repo man – to saving up for the trio’s first tiny home and in college.   See…this girl CAN do this on her OWN.

First $30,000 in student loan debt became due followed by a series of very stupid financial decisions and mistakes.  Sometimes the trio ate and played in the DARK and other times there was NO WATER for bubble baths.  Still living paycheck to paycheck.

God still pressing on, stronger than ever.  She fully SURRENDERED to Him.

Foreclosure followed bankruptcy…this time with a 2nd and 3rd grader, soon to be homeless again.  But not this time… In her lowest moment, He had something greater in store for her.

She finally saw her pride and self hatred as the creator of her pain…God allowing these painful lessons to play out with no intervention because she had lessons to learn and experiences and hardships to share.  She had to learn (the hard way) to fully rely on Him.  She accepted His FORGIVENESS and GRACE and was no longer defined by her past.  The self hatred thoughts vanished. She forgave ALL of those who had hurt her and proceeded to ask for forgiveness from those she hurt along the way.  This girl suddenly felt a love and acceptance like no other.  Difficult to describe.

She only fully realized the depth of His love by understanding His death on the cross.  The love she had for her own  children was immeasurable by any standards.  And based on that love she would endure the beatings, the torture and being nailed to the cross IF it meant saving HER children.  As a CHILD of Christ, she understood that He died for HER.  This is the SAME LOVE He had for her.  She was overwhelmed with emotion.

God did the unimaginable…He gifted this girl with the most kind hearted, loving and patient man to be her husband, SOUL MATE, provider, best friend and incredible father and role model to her two children.  This “gift” enabled her to further her purpose of parenting her children in a positive, enriching and loving way and to break the inherited generational curse running rampant in her heritage and throughout her genes.

*She is beautiful – not because a man has said so but because He says so.

*She is wanted and full of purpose – because He has said so.

*She feels accepted and loved -because of His grace and love.

*She is forgiven and worthy – because He says “it is finished”.

*She is an amazing mom -because of  His guidance and strength.

*She is mentally and physically healthy – because of Him.

*She is beyond rich – not by money or possessions but in love, gratitude, clarity, family and loving and appreciating life’s incredible moments.

And…

Every day when she awakes, she gives thanks to God for her many blessings and for her second chance to appreciate this life.   She will pass these lessons, the BAD and the GOOD, on to her children.  There were many times throughout this girls life where she considered giving up.  Life was too hard, excruciatingly painful.  But knowing what she knows now, by the grace of God, she would willingly go through every experience and hardship again to bring her to this exact moment in life.

Proverbs 3:5-8

Philippians 4:6

How have you evolved as a mom?  If still evolving, where are you at in your process?  What are the obstacles and hurdles you are encountering?

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